Thursday, August 19, 2010
8th Letter: Miscarriage, Abortion, Mother Problems: Pluto Aspects to Moon
I lost the baby last night. The bleeding started slowly yesterday morning, and—since you know I wasn’t far along in this pregnancy—I thought it might just stop. Well it didn’t, and close to midnight I was in pain and going out of my mind—like the worst case of PMS and cramps—and then a final letting go…it all came out of me.
The good news is that I didn’t have to make a decision whether to keep the baby or have an abortion. I hadn’t decided—I couldn’t seem to….instead I just kept talking to this little Soul who was choosing to come through me and asking it if this was the right time, and explaining the situation, and then I’d begin crying and raging at this baby's father for everything—blaming and shaming myself as well as him. Well, I guess this little Soul decided to wait for another opportunity to come through me, or else….who knows? A mystery….
This morning I was looking at it all with astrological eyes. I saw the Moon was aspecting Pluto and I looked it up in my books—and sure enough, Moon coupled with Pluto in hard aspect can signify miscarriage, abortion, and all kinds of “mother” problems. Pluto reflects change we can’t control, only surrender to, and it often transforms a situation through a death—either literal or symbolic. I know you always tell me that most of these “deaths” are metaphorical and that Pluto comes in strong, but leaves like a glowing phoenix. But it all takes so much time. Ah…and the Moon—how synchronistic and symbolic it was—the Moon signifying mother, moods, the feminine, the womb, and all things lunar—including feeling like a lunatic!
Now, I’m trying to accept these Pluto endings—my relationship, the pregnancy, and the void I feel…..trying to trust that the process that my life is unfolding as it’s meant to—that's what I think astrology gives us. We are tuned into a larger symbolic process, and somehow seeing that makes me feel that I can believe there is a God—a Higher Power, or some pattern of Sacred Mystery that we are deeply interconnected with.
So, seeing the astrological symbolism of Pluto and Moon, and knowing that I’m in my Saturn Return as well, makes me feel as if these changes are normal, though hard (!) and the only response I can think of is acceptance. Very sobering, but somehow I feel spiritually connected to a greater story that’s unfolding as it’s meant to….I don’t like it or understand it, but these powerful transits--these life cycles—I’m in awe of these patterns that are moving in the heavens and somehow inside me as well… somehow knowing I’m in this connection to a larger story there is peace. Do you know what I mean? I hope when I meet “Mr Right” someday, that this little Soul who tried to come through me, will choose to come through me again. Who knows?
Pluto plus Moon=tears, and remembrance of things past, especially with my mother. I think I cried for her too... Ooh…! Strange how I just remembered that today is actually the day she died, five years ago... today. I'm grateful to have you in my life now.
New Phoenix-like beginnings? I guess….but first I need to go inside and grieve….