Thursday, October 14, 2010
Private Journal, Oct 14th
Before Sophie and I even had breakfast, I looked at my emails—I’m forwarding them into my journal for pondering—
I wonder if you’ll get this before you and Sophie get to Zurich. I want so much to see you both again, and yet I feel…tormented. I don’t know how to reconcile me, you…. Us. Let me tell you what happened today….
As you know, I’m not in Zurich, but in Saneen where the Krishnamurti center is, and today I was looking for a card for my friend, Adria…I guess you’d say I was looking for an anniversary card to mark this past year of our closeness. I’ve mentioned my friend, Adria, to you—but I’ve never told you that she’s been almost a partner to me—but not really—that’s not what this is about…it’s about me standing in front of the cards in the store intending to do one thing, but doing another. As I stood there reading the anniversary cards my eyes began filling with tears and a great sadness came over me. I realized that my heart was still with you, Isabelle…that it was our many years together that mattered, and not this past year. I knew then that I wanted to come back to you—I know that my detached and independent way is fine within intellectual circles--the Krishnamurti world---but I want our life back-- our family back.
You said to me at Lindisfarne that you sensed that “our story” wasn’t over yet, and I didn’t know what you meant then. But there’s something about the continuity—or severance—of a relationship that strikes close to the bone. The ego feels so liberated at first, feels so free from the difficult yoga of partnership, but then in time, there’s a sense of loss, as if part of who I am and who we were was never true or good…and it was; it was very good. Maybe you understand this. And now I think you’re right….some deep part of me feels a loneliness I barely understand. I need to see you… When? ~Tell me what you think~with love~Alistair
Yes, this felt good…full of promise. But then I glanced at my emails again, and saw there was another one that just came up---from the “Hartford Hospital” in Connecticut informing me that my mother had suffered a serious stroke, and they were doing all they could, in their power, to keep her in stable condition, and to find and inform me of this. They said time was crucial.
What do I do?? I can’t believe I’m going to be ripped away from this possibility of getting together with Alistair here, and showing Sophie the places and ideas that are so dear to my heart! This can’t be happening…and yet it is, and now when Sophie wakes up, I’m going to have to tell her that I have to leave—right away! OMG, this must be Saturn. Doing what must be done.