Thursday, October 14, 2010

Saturn and Venus: Love and the Demands of Love.

Private Journal, Oct 14th

Before Sophie and I even had breakfast, I looked at my emails—I’m forwarding them into my journal for pondering—

Dearest Isabelle~

I wonder if you’ll get this before you and Sophie get to Zurich. I want so much to see you both again, and yet I feel…tormented. I don’t know how to reconcile me, you…. Us. Let me tell you what happened today….

As you know, I’m not in Zurich, but in Saneen where the Krishnamurti center is, and today I was looking for a card for my friend, Adria…I guess you’d say I was looking for an anniversary card to mark this past year of our closeness. I’ve mentioned my friend, Adria, to you—but I’ve never told you that she’s been almost a partner to me—but not really—that’s not what this is about…it’s about me standing in front of the cards in the store intending to do one thing, but doing another. As I stood there reading the anniversary cards my eyes began filling with tears and a great sadness came over me. I realized that my heart was still with you, Isabelle…that it was our many years together that mattered, and not this past year. I knew then that I wanted to come back to you—I know that my detached and independent way is fine within intellectual circles--the Krishnamurti world---but I want our life back-- our family back.

You said to me at Lindisfarne that you sensed that “our story” wasn’t over yet, and I didn’t know what you meant then. But there’s something about the continuity—or severance—of a relationship that strikes close to the bone. The ego feels so liberated at first, feels so free from the difficult yoga of partnership, but then in time, there’s a sense of loss, as if part of who I am and who we were was never true or good…and it was; it was very good. Maybe you understand this. And now I think you’re right….some deep part of me feels a loneliness I barely understand. I need to see you… When? ~Tell me what you think~with love~Alistair

Yes, this felt good…full of promise. But then I glanced at my emails again, and saw there was another one that just came up---from the “Hartford Hospital” in Connecticut informing me that my mother had suffered a serious stroke, and they were doing all they could, in their power, to keep her in stable condition, and to find and inform me of this. They said time was crucial.

What do I do?? I can’t believe I’m going to be ripped away from this possibility of getting together with Alistair here, and showing Sophie the places and ideas that are so dear to my heart! This can’t be happening…and yet it is, and now when Sophie wakes up, I’m going to have to tell her that I have to leave—right away! OMG, this must be Saturn. Doing what must be done.


Anonymous said...

Dear Elizabeth,
I am still 'hooked' and it seems 'your' style of astrology is growing less opaque with each succeeding entry. I, too, was most taken with the 'Mirroring' episode as the artist/writer/astrologer in you seemed to outstrip the confines of the form you have chosen for this story. I hope more such gems will be uncovered as we/you progress. I was going to say, to the denouement, but, of course, as in life, this story will never really end.
Thank you for this bold and soulbaring enterprise.
I do have thots/ideas about a final polishing of your rough stone, but will let those rest til the miner's work is done.
Kind regards,

Susann said...

Coincidently, I have Saturn conjunct my Neptune opposite my natal Venus right now. Great read! I’ll be back.

elizabeth spring said...

Sabinna & Susann~
Thanks for commenting & reading, as I know that helps to "mine the work." The danger of course is to get stuck down there in the mine or to get lost in a room of mirrors, and not see through to a way up and out.... so I truly value your comments/ideas and simply knowing that you are there! ~elizabeth

elizabeth spring said...

If you have thoughts on this, now would be a good time to share them with me, as I'm either going to move to a more fictional place, or a more teaching format....somehow, I'm not finding it an easy mix between story and teaching....what do you think?

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