Friday, September 24, 2010
I feel un-loveable. I feel fat and miserable. I feel like climbing out of my skin, and something inside me wants to slither away like a snake or retreat like a turtle. I know the turtle image is fitting for my Moon in Cancer, but I can’t hide now-- I need to attempt, yet another, Sun-in-Scorpio “rebirth”. I’m sick and tired of dying and being reborn, but I know I must do it. I can just imagine you saying: “this is the nature of Scorpio. This is the nature of a Saturn Return.” And yes, I will try---I'll try to extend myself, to peak my neck out of this shell of my old life and into this new one that seems to be approaching. Hard to tell if what's coming is friend or foe. I’d prefer to curl up next to a cool rock and sleep.
You ask what has been happening…well, after losing my job and feeling live a defeated victim, I got your email when I was lying in bed one morning. I read all you wrote about Saturn. Ugh. But I decided then that I had it in me to make one good try —and I did. I made one big effort and applied for a job and got it. It’s a simple job, un-glamourous, but…. I met Joseph there. He loves astrology. I think he loves me…or at least likes me a lot. We’ve only been together a few weeks, but…I’m swirling by how fast realities can change.
So…it’s the autumn equinox today, and I’m sitting outside now with my computer and astrology chart, wondering what is possibly going on! How can I feel “in love” and everything be so wonderful and awful all at the same time?! I’m sitting under a glorious old tree watching the late afternoon sun playing through the leaves, trying to absorb all this beauty and calm down, while waiting for him to come over….oh yes! I’m in exquisite torture.
So the unexpected (Uranus) has happened. And just like you told me about transiting Jupiter—“Be careful what you wish for, because your wish may come true. It’s likely to happen.”
Well it did. I wished for him…..and…as you would say; Jupiter (expansion and opportunities) has decided to bless my heart (aspecting Venus & Moon) with the pain of falling in love--- or “in hope”--- or whatever this crazy feeling is! And as you know, being in the middle—or is it “muddle”? of the Saturn Return, I feel under great pressure.
It’s as if I’m being called “out to play again in the world” and I’m scared. Really scared. What do you think, Isabelle? There’s a chance we could make love tonight if I can get over this feeling…if I can be brave.
So I’m looking at this chart of mine, showing my Saturn Return along with Jupiter aspecting my Venus, Moon….and Uranus, so I’ll get more of the unexpected? More weight? Is that the expansion? Gaining weight has made me feel ashamed again, like when I was young. You may remember that my natal Pluto is right on the cusp of the 7th house of relationships and it feels like some old karmic wound has re-emerged. I feel under a familiar old pressure, or shame.
I just want to be myself, not have to prove myself, but it feels as if pieces of my Soul have been taken over the years, with a nagging kind of shame….sometimes I think Joseph has it too—not with weight, but there’s something hidden in him, and he likes to drink. Not too much…but still, it feels like he’s…well, I guess he has his own Pluto-wound somewhere. I should find out…I know he’s a Pisces Sun, Virgo Moon, and loves talking about astrology.
What do you think?